The Co-Active Journey of Being Authentic to Myself
A Letter to My Future Self
Dear Zake,
How have you been? I am your 30-year-old self from 2023. Since 2015, I have taken a day every month to reflect on work, life, relationships, and mental clarity. This is the 66th email that I am writing to you.
The Co-Active Journey of Being Authentic to Myself
It has been six months since I last wrote to you in August, and this period has been one of the most special periods of my life. On one hand, I left my corporate job and decided to explore another way of living without any guarantee of income. On the other hand, I was still not in the ideal state of mind to tackle all the challenges ahead. Writing letters to my future self has been one of the best habits I have developed throughout the years, but I was avoiding it and not facing my authentic self.
It was not until last weekend, during the certified co-active coaching class, that we were asked to find our life purpose and outlook on life. With the help of warm coaches and accountable classmates, I was able to work out a new version of my life purpose:
“I am a gentle and courageous lion (Simba in The Lion King). I will find my authentic self through various experiences and protect all the living beings in Pride Rock.”
For a long time, I thought I knew what my life purpose was, and I was on the journey of achieving it. However, last year, I went through the first session of co-active coaching, and some deep questions made me wonder: Was that what I really wanted?
During the “Fulfillment” coaching course, I went up and sat in the hot seat again. The guided inner journey exploration helped me land on some words I resonated most with: authenticity, experience, decisiveness, and warm-heartedness. When things get stuck in the future, I think it is helpful to ask myself:
Am I being authentic to myself?
Am I gaining new experiences?
Am I worrying too much? Can I be more decisive and start acting NOW?
Am I loved and do I make others feel loved?
I believe authenticity is the root cause of many actions. I left my corporate job because I could not be fully authentic at work. I made videos on topics I can resonate with, not in the sake of gaining views and numbers. I stopped writing to my future self for six months because I was not being fully authentic to myself and exploring new experiences as I said before quitting the job. And I was trying to avoid having deep conversations with Simba inside me.
Last weekend, I made a call to my parents and told them “I love you” in person. These three words are probably the least words I’ve used in person, especially with loved ones. Only through meeting Ling and raising a cat did I finally realize that the authentic me wants to express love verbally, physically, and mentally. But the saboteurs were always in the way, convincing me not to do it or express it. To hold back and be reserved, hiding away my vulnerability. The call was not perfect, but I was able to complete me and feel much more comfortable being authentic.
Co-Active Coaching Journey
In March, after a two-year wait, the offline certified coaching course finally came to Shenzhen, and I can attend all the classes freely. I finished the fundamentals and am now in the process of the intermediate course, which lasts until the end of June.
The course not only serves as a way to get to know myself again, exploring life purpose, my inner leader, and improving my communication skills, but it also helps people who have been following me on social media under personal development topics. I set a goal of coaching two people weekly for free, and now I have already helped five people with self-fulfillment. I was able to practice what I have been taught to hone my skills, and seeing them working towards a better version of themselves with positive feedback and results also made me proud and fulfilled.
I was not used to appreciating and acknowledging others’ achievements. Growing up, I was never in an environment of encouragement but rather repression. No matter what I did, I was told there was always room for improvement and higher bars. So when I graduated and went into a professional career, I did not know how to acknowledge teams and each individual’s effort, and I was never content with the positive results, and never really knew how to celebrate what I have. I have strict rules and high expectations for myself and people around me. If they cannot complete the task to my expectation, there are always complaints and negative emotions from me. However, the coaching sessions help me get better at these every day.
Pursuing a Master’s Degree?
After quitting my job and coming back from summiting Mountain Muztag, I tried to be more aware of what interests me and what could be a potential topic or career, without focusing too much on what I have or what I am good at. Yet I found myself still interested in new technology, especially when it comes to content creation and visual 2D/3D generation. That’s when I decided to go for a master’s program in human-computer interactions or VR/AR in Northern Europe. I believe the culture and environment will not only rewire myself to be more inner-balanced, develop an authentic and peaceful mind, but also wash away some biases I was forced to receive about success, consumerism, and money worship.
I got 7.5 in IELTS academic last November, which was not an ideal score of 8, but I have submitted applications to universities in Sweden, Finland, and the Netherlands. My academic background is definitely not considered “sufficient” for the programs since I was a bachelor studying mechanical engineering-related courses and did not graduate from a “211” or “985” university recognized by those countries, but I still want to give it a try and leave no regrets.
To be honest, I was really anxious early this month about the admission results which are about to come out in a week. I checked the websites and my email inbox more than 10 times every day, and could not focus on work and other things for even 30 minutes.
I realized I was escaping the fact that there is a possibility that I might get rejected from the universities, and if that happens, I did not have a plan B. The things I discovered on the coaching class, “authentic,” “experience,” and “courageous,” somehow helped me find a solution.
“What will you do if you get admitted?” and “What will you do if you get rejected?” These are the two questions I ask myself basically every day now. And I realized that no matter what happens, I will still make videos and spread the positive impact, I will still go to co-active coaching classes, I will still closely follow AIGC technologies and potential opportunities. The life purpose is something nobody can take from us. I might be disappointed and sad, but the journey keeps rolling.
A Healthy Mindset for Jujitsu and Climbing
I went to Japan in December and stayed in Kamakura by the beach for about a month. The jujitsu atmosphere in Kamakura and Ofuna Carpe Diem is superb. Despite the language barrier, I felt welcomed by the classmates and coaches. There were more colored belts in daily training compared with back in China, and generally, the dojo encouraged more sparring sessions, which forced you to practice technique and have a game plan.
Through conversations with some coaches and classmates, I knew many of them had been training for a very long time, and you could easily find people who had been training for five or ten years. For them, jujitsu is a way of living and part of their identity. Even when they were late for class and there was only 20 minutes left, you might still find people joining and sparring with other guys, which influenced the way I see jujitsu as well.
Everyone has their own pace of learning jujitsu, enjoying the process, and letting go of peer pressure. BJJ for life, no rush.
Meanwhile, during the closed days of dojos, I went climbing Amida, Akadake, and Tanigawa. Due to severe snowy weather conditions, I failed to summit the first two, but was lucky enough to catch a sunny day in Tanigawa. The mountains in Japan are not challenging in altitude, normally around 3000m, but are usually steep and dangerous during bad weather conditions. It’s a great way to practice mountaineering skills and prepare for more challenging mountains in Nepal. Plus, the mountains are much more approachable compared to China; you can get to any mountain from main cities by train within a day.
2023 Looking Forward
“A calm mind, a fit body, and a house full of love. These things cannot be bought. They must be earned.”
Goals to achieve:
- Create at least 25 videos that align with my values and are valuable to others (secure 5 top brand sponsorships)
- Have at least one new experience each month (exciting, out of my comfort zone, and potentially profitable), and at least one topic for research each week (related to AIGC or personal development)
- Complete the Co-Active coaching “Fundamentals” and “Intermediate” courses, start the certification process, and have two coaching sessions each week
- Participate in the AJP jiujitsu tournament and strive for a gold medal
If I am accepted by universities in Northern Europe, I will also:
- Learn a new language depending on the location of the school before attending
- Finalize the details of my startup project and prepare for master’s courses
What I’m Reading
- Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World, by David Epstein
- The Shallows: How the Internet Is Changing the Way We Think, Read and Remember, by Nicholas G. Carr.
- Calling Bullshit: Data Reasoning in a Digital World, online course of University of Washington / https://www.callingbullshit.org/
- Calling Bullshit: The Art of Scepticism in a Data-Driven World, by Carl Bergstrom and Jevin D. West
LIFE IS A DRUG
Zake
